Surrounded by Wicked Intentions

I think of David, the second King of Israel, and how people sought to destroy him. The Psalms are full of his pleas to God for comfort, for deliverance from his enemies, for his enemies to basically go away. How many years did these enemies persecute him? How long did his soul cry out to God for deliverance?

Psalm 37: 12-13 says, "The wicked plotteth against the just, and gnasheth upon him with his teeth. The Lord shall laugh at him: for he seeth that his day is coming."

Sometimes I'm not sure I'm considered just. Am I not just enough? Then I look at the things David did (adultery, murder, etc), yet God called him "a man after My [God's] own heart". All the things David did wrong, things he blatantly did against God, yet God claimed David as His own. God shows such mercy and grace, that though I don't deserve His grace, He's freely given it to me.

Yet my soul still cries out. My souls still asks God, "Why? Why are these enemies trying so hard to cast me into a pit? Why do these others believe the lies? Why does this wicked person get to continue trying to harm me?"

At times I'm so weary. I weary of standing alone in the ashes. I'm weary of being the bigger, better person. I'm weary of responding in the right way. I'm wearing of being upright. I'm weary of standing for what's right and true. My soul is so very, very weary.

"I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God." Psalm 69:3

A man named Duane Nichols wrote the words to a song called "Come Unto Me" for Soundforth. It starts, "My heart is heavy laden Lord, my flesh is worn and weak." This is what my heart feels; so very, very weary. My heart wants to give up, to not care, to run away and leave the wicked behind.

The song doesn't end there, it goes on to say, "Come unto Me, come unto Me, and I will give you rest. Come unto Me, come unto Me, be comforted and blessed."

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Rest. I just want rest; rest and comfort. Though the evil people make up lies about me, though they badmouth me to my children, though they try to damage my reputation I want that peace and rest. Though I feel surrounded by the tainting of wickedness, by those believing the lies, I want comfort; to have no fear.

"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass." Psalms 37:7

Lord may I have patience. Grant me patience from You, that I may know rest. Lord let me rest in You, that I may have peace.

Never Alone

I started this blog years ago to help in my healing journey. Life got in the way and many things have happened. I went through a lot of my journey alone. I internalized my pain, my heartache, my internal death from all around me. One thing stood true though. I was NOT alone.

I heard this song about a year ago. It reminded me not only of how I felt at times, but of the truth that we are Never Alone. I want those who think they are alone to know that they are not.

Hungry for love

Contemporary Christian music is new to me. It was something that was not allowed in my past life, the one from before the ashes. Recently I asked some friends for suggestions on music and was directed to download apps onto my iPhone for Air1 and KLOVE. So I did and I have been listening quite often and enjoying what I have heard.

Today I turned on the Pandora station on my Roku player and chose the Sanctus Real station. The first song to pop up was "Lead Me". I hear the singer singing,

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear her saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone



I hear this and I think. I think about the past. I think about how hungry I am for love and how I have been so hungry for so long. I think about how empty I feel at times.

I know that there is a lot of controversy about women teaching men, but I want to say something to men here. (I actually do not think that I have any men readers right now.)

Men, have you left your spouse hungry for your love? Are you willing to fight? Do you fight for her? Do you stand up and show her that she is everything to you? How alone does she feel?

There is so much out there written for women, telling us how we are to be submissive; laying huge weights on our shoulders that should not be placed upon us. But how much is written about the command to love your wife?

God created us in His image, men AND women. I am in His image. I am the softer side of His image. My needs are different that that of the men He created in His stronger image.

We women need to know that we are loved. We need it shown to us in ways that differ from one woman to another and it is up to you men to find out how your woman needs love shown to her. I don't say this to the women because for the most part we try to find out how to take care of our men.

We need to know we are WORTH something. We need to be shown daily that we are loved. We need to be fed, so we are not hungry.

Women, how hungry are you? How alone do you feel?

As I stand in these ashes I find that though I am hungry for love, though I feel so alone at times, my Redeemer is here to fill me. As I lean on Him and allow Him to love me, the ache and hurt is less. I am still so very empty and alone, but the ache is oh so much less.

Tonight I am ok, even though I am standing in the ashes of what was once my life.

Unbearable Pain

Have you ever felt unbearable pain? Tonight I do. Tonight I feel as though my heart, the one that I feel emotions with, has been torn almost all the way out of my chest. Something terrible has tried to rip it from me; leaving me hurting, but also feeling dead inside.

I am tired of hurting. I am tired of the unbearable pain. I am tired of being eaten up by the monster trying to devour me. NO MORE! Do you hear me?!?! NO MORE!

Tonight I will force myself to be numb. Tonight I will remember how much nicer my life is without my abuser. Tonight I REFUSE to be consumed by the flames.

Tonight as I stand in the ashes I will quench the flames by reminding myself that they are no longer in control of my emotions. I will NOT be consumed. I will not be afraid. I refuse to let them burn me tonight. There is no wild breeze from a fire, no ashes in the air currents, no outbreaks of all consuming flames. Tonight, I am standing in the ashes of what once was my life, but tonight I am in control of the flames.

Abuse

Abuse was my daily life for over a decade. Not every day. There were times that the fires of my abuser's rage were quenched by his last rampage of anger. However, abuse was the norm.

I believed that it was my fault. After all, he did not act this way with other people. He did not yell, scream, hit, throw across the room, try to suffocate, or strangle anyone else. The problem had to lie with me. Beside, that is what he said. It was my fault. I made him do it by not having the house clean enough, not making the right type of supper, speaking in public, looking at him wrong, the children acting up...Oh there were lots of things I did not do right. It was my fault.

What? You don't think so? Well, yes, in a way you are right. Want to know the truth? It was my fault. It was my fault because I ALLOWED him to treat me that way. No, it was not my fault, but the fact that it continued partially is. Yes, there is a breakdown of rationality in the thought process of abused women when it comes to the men who abuse them. I won't get into that today. But I allowed it.

This past summer I said, "NO MORE." I chose to leave. I chose to stop allowing him to hurt me. I chose to STAND UP. I may be STANDING IN THE ASHES, but I am standing. I will not drop, I will not fall, I will not cower. I am still standing and no one can stop me now.

Ashes All Around

Ashes are all around me. I don't feel like a Phoenix. I feel dirty, filthy. The air is hot, dry, and the ashes are thickly floating on the wind. There is still a fire burning somewhere in this house I called my life. It is not a fire I started. It is the fire of my abuser.

Sometimes I almost forget about this fire. Sometimes it fools me into thinking it has died down. The heat seems to be gone. The ashes are almost settled. I feel safe for the moment.

That moment never lasts long. The fire roars to life right under me; trying to consume me. It is all I can do each time to scramble out of the way. This time it has almost consumed me. This time I was caught unawares. I did not expect this from my antagonizer. Usually I can anticipate his nastiness. I can think like him at times and I am not caught off guard. But this time? This time was different.

However, I am standing in the ashes. I am still standing. That has to mean something. Even though the ashes are so thick I cannot see my way out, even though I feel no hope, at least I am standing. I am standing in the ashes that I once called my life.